


Three Questions And Here We Are

by Arrival_Of_Dawn



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alive Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Angst with a Happy Ending, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Evan Hansen Deserves Happiness, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, POV Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Short & Sweet, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22466362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arrival_Of_Dawn/pseuds/Arrival_Of_Dawn
Summary: Connor reflects on three specific questions he asks Evan over the course of their friendship that brings the two closer than they ever thought was possible.Maybe it's worth it to be alive after all.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 10
Kudos: 127
Collections: All we see is sky





	Three Questions And Here We Are

The first time Connor asked Evan he wasn’t really asking. Not directly anyway. Looking at the anxiety prone, sweaty palmed, kid in front of him he never would have guessed they were as similar as they were. Back then he didn’t know Evan. Not like he does now.

He had asked Evan, on an uneventful afternoon when the two of them were still fresh friends –-friends, what an odd way to describe whatever they were at the time—whether or not Evan ever felt like he wanted to disappear.

As he expected, Evan stuttered out a reply—a poor one at that—about how he felt a lot of things, mostly nerves, and how they hardly ever made sense.

Connor quickly halted his rambling by saying, “Cause I do. But at the same time I don’t think anyone _deserves_ to fade away. Except maybe me of course. It might be nice to disappear.”

Evan remained silent for a long moment and that gap in their voices got under Connor’s skin. He couldn’t fucking stand it; that itch under the surface that he couldn’t scratch. His brain whirred. Why had he said anything? Why was he here with Evan of all people? The other loser, reject of the school.

Why hadn’t he just killed himself when he had the chance?

“You’re right,” Evan said finally. “No one does deserve to disappear, or be forgotten. I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted to disappear…permanently,” he gulped at that and Connor filed that away in the back of his mind. “But I have wanted to disappear from situations like at school, or from my mom’s life cause maybe if I wasn’t here then she wouldn’t be so stressed.”

Connor didn’t respond. He didn’t know if he trusted himself to. This guy didn’t need to know how fucked up he was. How asking this question was Connor’s indirect way of searching desperately for someone else to relate to, anyone. He couldn’t let Evan know.

So he pulled out a crushed up box from his back pocket and pulled out the last cigarette. He sucked his teeth at that because he had no desire to get another pack, but he pulled out his lighter and lit it up anyway. He needed to do something other than think about the boy sitting next to him and the burning questions he sort of not really maybe wanted to ask.

Evan’s voice came back to Connor and he realized with a start that, _shit_ , Evan was still talking.

“Even if you’ve always been that barely in the background kind of guy…you still matter. And even if you’re somebody who can’t escape the feeling that the world’s passed you by you still matter.”

 _Oh. That’s why I didn’t kill myself,_ he remembers bitterly. Cause for some reason this sniveling, rambling kid had stopped him. Kind of. He had stopped Connor from storming off that day after he let his paranoia get to him in the computer lab. Evan—the guy who could barely get two words out without stuttering—held his ground and called Connor back from the proverbial edge.

It wasn’t intentional either. And Connor wasn’t sure if that was better or worst. Cause Evan had slipped into a panic attack, something Connor was familiar with, and when Evan slipped down the wall holding himself a little too tight and breathing too erratically to be helpful, Connor, for some reason or another, felt his anger simmer. He crouched down in front of Evan, whose flushed cheeks glistened with tears, and told him to deeply breathe in, hold his breath for a count of eight, and exhale. He demonstrated the motions for Evan, doing them with him until _finally_ Evan was breathing at a normal speed again and his tears stopped.

Evan watched him warily with exhausted, hooded eyes, and then slumped back against the wall. There was something so painfully familiar in the gesture that it tugged on Connor’s, lacking, heart strings. Connor reached into his satchel, pulled out the letter he crumpled in his earlier rage, tried to smooth it out a little against his knee, and handed it over. Evan hesitated as if unsure on whether this was a trick or not. Connor was growing impatient and shook it once for good measure. Evan sprung forward to grab it.

Evan looked at the letter with a mixture of relief and mild consternation. Connor guessed he pitied the guy and that’s why the next question slipped out before he could stop it.

“So, do you need a ride to your therapy session or whatever?” Connor had asked.

Evan looked like he wanted to say no, and Connor watched the emotions pass across his face in quick succession. There was guilt, fear, uncertainty…all wrapped up in that round, slightly red, face.

“I don’t feel like going…” Evan mumbled.

Connor nodded. He personally didn’t believe therapy did much good. They were just more doctors ready to take money anyone was willing to give. Not that he ever got the chance to make any progress. Larry had pulled him out within the first few weeks saying it was a waste of money because there was nothing _wrong_ with Connor. He was obviously faking it for attention.

What a prick.

“Want a ride home then?” Connor asked.

Again Evan looked like he was going to say no, but he surprised Connor this time with the slight nod of his head.

“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble…”

Connor figured that was the start of their “friendship”.

The second time Connor asked, he was only sort of asking for Evan’s sake. Truthfully he was asking because he was pissed off about a phone call with his sister and wanted to push Evan’s buttons and make him squirm. Because Connor is a manipulative asshole, he’s realized this, but he can’t well and stop now. He’s gone too far for that.

“You’ve really never felt like dying? Come on.”

Evan looked fully uncomfortable and leaned away, teetering on the edge of the bed. The fleeting thought that he might fall crossed Connor’s mind as he watched Evan precariously perch himself. It still felt weird to have someone in his room that actually wanted to be there and wasn’t there to yell at him. Well, maybe _want_ was too strong of a word. Right now Evan seemed about ready to jump out the window.

They were at Connor’s house, thankfully no one else was home yet, and they had been watching some nature documentary Evan mentioned was good. Connor didn’t quite care what they watched as long as he could get high. Evan said he didn’t mind so Connor smoked. He would have regardless of Evan’s consent. It was his room after all and he wanted to take the edge off so he wouldn’t lash out Evan due.

So much for that plan.

“No…why would you think that?” Evan muttered, eyes darting around looking everywhere except at Connor.

“You have anxiety don’t you?” Connor prodded unkindly. Evan flinched at his tone. “You’ve had to have thought about death. If your endless rambling is anything to go by your brain must be a fucking train wreck like mine.” He took another long drag from his blunt and after a few moments blew the smoke up towards the ceiling. He watched the smoke billow out until it dispersed and only just noticed that Evan had yet to respond.

When he finally looked down he felt a little guilty that there were tears prickling at the corners of Evan’s eyes.

“I’m not—I’m not like that,” Evan said quietly.

Connor’s eyes narrowed. “Not like what? Like me you mean? You’re not a fucking freak like me?” And there he goes again. He should have known he’d ruin a good thing like Evan. Never should have brought him over to his house. It set him off just being inside.

Evan’s eyes widened. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. A wuss like you wouldn’t be able to go through with it anyway.”

“Why do you say that like it’s something to be proud of?” Evan asked.

Connor paused. The cold outburst that followed made Evan flinch. “Cause it takes a lot of courage to go through with it. And when you fail you feel like even more of a fucking loser than you already are. If you can’t even get killing yourself right what’s the point of trying to do anything else?”

They sat in suffocating silence with the nature documentary chirping in the background for a long, tense moment. The two of them stared at each other, or Connor stared at Evan while he fidgeted and looked away every time they locked eyes.

“Is that—is that how you feel?”

Connor’s mood soured further. “We aren’t fucking talking about me.”

“But—,”

“No. This conversation is over. Finish your fucking documentary if you want. I’m going to take a piss.”

Connor stood from the bed and shoved his laptop hard at Evan then stormed out the room. When he slammed the bathroom door shut and fiddled for the lock he grew angrier once he remembered that it didn’t have a lock anymore because of him.

God, he was an idiot. How had he forgotten to lock the door then? Why did Zoe have to use that bathroom out of all the ones in the damn house? He could have been gone by now. He could have been done with all of the bullshit that he came to know as life. He could have never met Evan and his stupid rambling or seen that cute, tiny smile he did when he thought something was funny but didn’t want to draw attention to himself…wait. Wait.

Cute? Since when could anything Evan did be considered cute?

Connor leaned over the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. He was lanky and pale, and his hair was long and unruly, and he had bags under his eyes—nowhere near as bad as Evan’s—and chipped nail polish and…he wasn’t pretty or worthy of affection. Not the way Evan was.

Evan was soft and warm and his hair was always neat just like his clothes. He had all the possibility in the world if he could just get over his anxiety. He wasn’t as far gone as Connor was so why did he continue to push? Was he trying to get a rise out of Evan? Trying to get him to the state Connor had been in? That would be cruel.

But as Zoe continuously reminded him…he was cruel. Unnecessarily so.

Thinking back on it Connor wasn’t sure if he ever apologized to Evan about that day. He had come back to his room after a long time spent in the bathroom calming down, and entered to find Evan sitting right where he left him looking like a kicked puppy. Evan had apologized profusely and instead of returning the apology with one of his own, Connor groaned and pulled the laptop towards him. He found the place where he had drifted off from the documentary and resumed play. A moment later he got comfortable and ushered Evan over. Timidly he scooted close until their shoulders brushed and they finished the documentary in what Connor assumed was as comfortable of a silence as he deserved.

The final time Connor asked Evan he had been _certain_ he wasn’t reading the signs wrong. They had been friends for long enough now that he had caught on to the double meanings, the backtracking, and the avoidance. Connor wasn’t stupid. He knew the signs. He could piece the story together from the little Evan had told him. He was so damn sure. And a small, sinister part of him _wanted_ to be right. He wanted to know that someone so close to him was like him. Was fucked up like him. That he wasn’t alone.

Then again…he hadn’t really felt alone since he and Evan became friends.

He asked anyway.

“Did you fall or did you let go?”

Evan looked up at him, witheringly, and Connor watched Evan crumble right in front of him. Connor shrugged. He shrugged! As if this wasn’t a breakthrough Evan was making, something he was finally accepting about himself that he tried so hard to keep hidden from everyone including himself. Connor knew the truth. Evan knew the truth. He simply hadn’t accepted it yet.

“I—I—,” Evan stuttered out. He looked down at his fingers which fiddled tirelessly with the bottom of his shirt. He took a deep, shuddering breath, and when he looked at Connor there was something so heartbreakingly beautiful about his vulnerability. “I let go.”

Evan began to cry then with his entire body and when his legs buckled Connor reached out to try and hold him up. In the end of the two of them fell to the ground together into a heap with Evan crying into Connor’s chest repeating, “I let go,” and “I’m sorry,” like a mantra.

Connor repositioned them so that they were both more comfortable and let Evan cry. He gave Evan what he never had. He could only hope that this was enough…that he was enough.

And when Evan was through crying they stayed together like that huddled close and wrapped tight. Connor’s back ached, but he wasn’t going to move. Not unless Evan wanted him to. He hoped Evan didn’t want him to. He enjoyed the feeling of Evan in his arms far more than he thought he ought to because Evan, despite being like him in certain aspects, was so much better than him. Evan had so much more going for him. He wanted Evan to have the life he deserved…and that didn’t include Connor.

So at least he could enjoy this moment of being together with him…before his fantasy could come crashing down around him.

“You’ve attempted too…haven’t you?” Evan asked through a sniffle. His head was still pressed into the fabric of Connor’s hoodie so the words came out muffled.

Connor didn’t hesitate when he responded with a soft, “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry. You never deserved to feel like that.”

Connor’s heart clenched and he pulled Evan impossibly closer to him. “Neither did you.”

They stayed like that until Heidi came home, earlier than Evan expected, and the two broke apart much to Connor’s dissatisfaction.

Connor didn’t ask again, but they did talk about it. They spoke about how they felt leading up to their attempts. How that pit in their chest eventually consumed them until they felt empty…

How they felt like no one could see them; like they didn’t matter. They were burdens on their families and society. Why continue to live a life of pain? Why continue to bother everyone around them? Why not end things on their own terms and be done with it?

They wanted to end the seemingly endless cycle of pain.

And while Connor’s attempt had been semi-planned, as he had thought about it for weeks leading up to that moment, Evan’s was more spontaneous. Evan admitted that even as he climbed the tree with that emptiness expanding in his chest, that he didn’t go up with the sole intention of letting go. That had come as an afterthought.

They were different, yet somehow the same. And it was somewhat of a comfort to Connor to finally get things off his chest and have someone trust him enough to do the same. He briefly wondered if therapy felt this good. Probably not. Evan was an exceptional individual.

Evan, always surprising Connor, said, “I’m glad you didn’t kill yourself. I never would have gotten to know you. You’re pretty special.”

Connor had scoffed and tried to laugh it off, but Evan was having none of it.

“You are! You’re intelligent, and you read all sorts of interesting books, and you’re brave. So brave. You’ve kept going even when you thought you couldn’t. And you’ve continued to push through so much shit—.” Connor smiled when Evan’s voice cracked as he cursed. Evan’s face broke out in a pretty blush, but he forged on. “And you look like you stepped out of a magazine, like oh my god, how is my best friend this beautiful? And—,”

“Stop.” Connor said. His face was hot. First of all _beautiful_ , Evan found him beautiful, which he couldn’t understand. Secondly, _best friend_ , Evan considered him to be his best friend. Connor couldn’t think of any other time he had a best friend. Maybe Zoe at some point before he fucked all of that up…

“You’re thinking too much again,” Evan said.

Connor laughed at this. “Coming from you that’s pretty ironic.”

Evan laughed as well, brighter than he ever had before as far as Connor was aware of. “Yeah, but I always overthink. When you do it I half expect to see steam rising out your ears.”

“Shut up,” Connor said and lightly pushed Evan away.

Evan flopped over on the bed with a giggle and stayed down. When he looked up and their eyes locked Connor swore his heart stopped beating. If anyone was beautiful it was Evan. It was absolutely Evan. Connor’s chest ached painfully, but not in the way it normally did. This time it ached because he wanted to go to Evan, lean over him, and kiss those smiling lips. He yearned to close the distance between them. And his chest ached because he pulled away from the shining light of a boy lying across his bed that made his heart flutter and made him want to be a better person. He pulled away.

It wasn’t for another few weeks that Connor actually managed to pluck up the courage to go through with it. And he only did because Zoe pestered him about it constantly. Their relationship, while still rocky, was on the mend, as Connor tried very hard to be a better person, and a kinder brother. Zoe had rightfully avoided him at first, disbelieving that he could change, but she was slowly coming around, and mostly he had Evan to thank for that.

Somehow she and Evan became friends and as they shared laughs Zoe opened up more to Connor and allowed him into her life again fraction by fraction. Connor owed Evan so much. He wasn’t ready to admit it yet, but he had really missed Zoe.

It was on an ordinary day after Evan’s therapy session that it happened. Heidi had picked up an extra shift and would be unable to drive him home so Connor offered to do it. He offered anyway and Evan had only refused because Heidi had said she would.

Connor was about to leave the house when Zoe cut him off at the door with a smirk.

“You should tell him today.”

“Absolutely not,” Connor replied and tried to scoot her aside. For someone so thin and unassuming Zoe sure did know how to plant herself. “Move or I’ll be late.”

“You have to tell him, Connor. Evan has a right to know.”

“I’m not ruining the one good friendship I have because of some stupid feelings.”

“They’re not stupid, Connor.”

“Yes they are. Now move. I don’t want to be late.”

Zoe sighed, heavily, but moved away from the door. “I still think you should tell him. You might be surprised by his reply.”

Connor wished he hadn’t heard Zoe say that because now it’s all he could think about. In the middle of the night Connor had _vaguely_ entertained the idea of what it would be like to kiss Evan, and hold him whenever he wanted, and call him his…boyfriend. Okay, maybe he thought about it a little more than he wanted to let on. Maybe it was an ever growing fantasy built up in his mind day after day, but he wasn’t going to ruin their friendship on a whim.

Besides Evan was doing better too. He was still an anxious mess most days, but he was talking more without the stuttering and rambled a little less fervently. He and Jared were actually…friends somehow. Connor still didn’t understand that or even really like Jared for that matter, but he would tolerate Jared’s presence for Evan’s sake. And Alana was somehow part of their lunch group now…Connor actually had a group he ate lunch with. That was new. It was a little freaky actually.

Again he had Evan to thank for that.

Sweet, innocent Evan, who maybe wasn’t as innocent as he had tried to kill himself just as Connor did. But they were both doing better now. They were working harder…together…Connor liked to think. They were good for each other.

For each other or to each other? He gripped his steering wheel tightly. He had to stop letting his brain twist words.

When Evan exited the building he spotted Connor immediately, leaning against the side of his car, and his face brightened considerably. He practically bounced towards him and Connor had to fight down the blush that threatened to break out across his face because, _Evan had no business being that damn cute._

“Sorry you had to pick me up,” Evan said as he came to a stop in front of Connor. Connor gave him a sharp look and Evan chuckled nervously. “Sorry—oh I mean thank you! Thank you for picking me up.”

Evan’s face was a little red.

“No problem,” Connor replied. He had to stop looking at Evan’s face or he was going to do something he would regret, so he opened up the car door and slipped inside. Once Evan was in the passenger seat he added, “You’re getting better at not apologizing.”

Evan beamed over at him. “Dr. Sherman just said the same thing!”

_Focus, Connor, Focus on driving._

“Want to get ice cream?” Connor blurted.

Evan’s mouth made a cute ‘o’ shape then he smiled. “It’s freezing outside.”

“You’re right, it was a stupid question. I’ll just take you home.”

“No! I want ice cream. Could we just maybe eat it…in here?”

Connor’s heart raced and his grip on his steering wheel grew tight once again. He nodded slowly. “Yeah, sure. We can eat it in here.”

And that was how they ended up eating ice cream in Connor’s beat up car listening to one of his old mixtapes that had been left in the CD rotation. And even though teasing Evan about not knowing who Bring Me The Horizon is – we’ve been friends for months now how the hell do you not know I listen to them constantly— was fun, there was still this nauseating pull in Connor’s chest that seemed centered around Evan.

Evan, who was unconsciously twirling his tongue around his spoon to get every last bit of ice cream off before dipping back in for another scoop. Evan, who blushed whenever Connor teased him, but was slowly getting better at rebuffing. Evan, who had no business looking so cute in Khaki’s. For fucks sake, Connor had to take him shopping for some actual jeans one of these days.

“I’d really like to kiss you,” Connor said. The words slipped out before he could stop them.

Evan stopped mid dip and his shoulders tensed.

Connor’s brain whirred. He fucked up. He royally fucked up. Why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

“Do you mean it?” Evan’s voice was barely above a whisper, yet it somehow broke through Connor’s self-deprecating fog.

“Yes?” Connor winced expecting rejection and the loss of his only real friend.

“Okay.” Evan said. “I’d like that.”

Connor’s eyes widened and this time his heart really did stop for a beat before picking back up stronger than before, thrumming almost painfully against his chest. “You want to kiss me?”

Evan nodded, though he wasn’t meeting Connor’s eyes. “Yes.”

“Okay.” Connor murmured. “Put your ice cream on the dashboard,” he instructed.

Evan finally looked at him, comically quizzical. “What? Why?”

“Cause I’m not letting you spill half melted ice cream across my car when you forget it’s on your lap,” Connor deadpanned.

“Oh, right!” Evan shuffled the cup out from between his thighs and pushed it as far back on the dashboard as it could go.

Connor took a deep breath. He could do this. He had dreamt about this for a while now and here was his chance.

Evan looked about as nervous as Connor felt and he found it endearing.

Connor kicked up one leg and face Evan. “Hey, look at me,” he said quietly. Evan did as instructed and Connor swelled with pride when Evan immediately made eye contact and held it. Evan was doing so well. He was making so much progress.

Connor leaned in, shutting his eyes in the process because he wasn’t sure he wanted to really _look_ at Evan while this happened. He wanted to enjoy this. He wanted to—

Their lips met and Evan jerked a little. Somehow that made the whole thing better. It gave Connor the confidence he needed to lean over and hold Evan’s hand while he pressed their lips back together.

It was cold because of the ice cream, and sort of sticky, but it was wonderful and everything Connor wanted and more. He was a little sorry that they needed air, but when he pulled back and finally opened his eyes and saw Evan still leaned forward in his face with a beautiful red flush to his face it made the moment better.

“You’re so cute,” Connor said.

Evan immediately dipped into his hands that he brought up to his face. “No…don’t say that.”

“But it’s true.”

“Oh my gosh. You’re going to be the death of me,” Evan whispered.

Connor grinned, actually grinned. “I’m sort of hoping for the opposite, but I get what you mean. I feel the same way.”

Evan peered through his fingers and Connor decided it was time to hold those ridiculously soft hands again. He took Evan’s hands in each of his own and relished in the contact.

“Can I kiss you now?” Evan asked.

Connor’s breath caught in his throat then he laughed. “Absolutely.”

By the time they were done kissing Evan’s ice cream had fully melted and if Evan was upset about it he sure didn’t show it. He lamented the fact that Connor’s money had gone to waste, but Connor didn’t care one bit. He would buy Evan as much ice cream as he wanted, especially if it meant seeing that beautiful smile again. And of course spending time with Evan was the ultimate perk. Especially now that he could kiss Evan.

God. Kissing Evan was worth it.

He was glad he was alive.

He was glad Evan was alive.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! I wrote this real quick because I'm super stressed. Not my best writing, but I figured I'd share anyway because maybe some of you will enjoy this! If you do have a good time reading it let me know :)
> 
> Have a good one!


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